Despite what some may think, game reviewers don’t live in a vacuum. We often like to listen to what our contemporaries have to say about our favorite entertainment medium. And there’s been a rapidly-growing trend in this particular niche of the gaming industry; the rise of the social justice warriors. People who jump at every chance to tear apart games because of some perceived moral slight. The kind of reviewers who might pan an excellent game for violating their opinions of how sexuality should be depicted in a video game. Or perhaps the kind of reviewers who lavish praise on a game that is functionally terrible just because of its progressive ideals. I need to preface this review by making it abundantly clear that I am not a social justice warrior reviewer; if anything, I frown on that kind of writing. While I'm definitely going to call out Senran Kagura: Shinovi Versus for its approach to sexuality, the reason for that is simply because of how flat-out stupid it is. Culture shock aside, I feel like I’m so far removed from the target audience for this game that I would use this game’s presence on someone’s Vita as an indicator that I should not be friends with him/her.

Breasts are nice. On top of feeding our young, they are undeniably pleasing from an aesthetic standpoint (among others). They make us guys do crazy things. According to South Park, they have the power to reduce us to grunting, possessive ape men. And the majesty of the mammary gland is the sole selling point of Senran Kagura: Shinovi Versus. (Author’s Note: Butts are nice too, but their role in this game is reduced in comparison). The day may come when the Japanese actually try to accurately capture the effects of physical forces on boobs, but this game comes dangerously close to the "swaying in the wind" effects that we marveled (and laughed) at in the original Dead or Alive. At a standstill, they defy gravity to the point where one might assume that they are beholden to some unseen gravity well in the sky. While I think the interface is kind of a mess, this is a reasonably attractive game. It’s colorful, crisp, and jiggly.

Here’s a funny thing: technically, Senran Kagura: Shinovi Versus boasts solid sound design. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t totally hate it. This game’s cast is entirely made up of thoroughly repellent squeaky-voiced twits. Even if there was no translation for the Japanese-only voice track, I would still know that these characters were a bunch of dumb bimbos who did a lot of fighting. The music… well, let’s just say that it’s what you’d expect from a game about barely-clothed girls at a school where they pretend they’re ass-kicking ninjas.

Senran Kagura: Shinovi Versus is the story of three all-girl shinobi schools. Oh, wait, did I say "shinobi?" My mistake: the word means something very different in this universe. If these are actual ninjas, I'm a monkey's uncle. These are merely a bunch of girls who rush around arenas in skimpy outfits, murdering armies of clones and trying to destroy the clothes of their colleagues. And oh, wait, did I say "girls?" My mistake: these individuals are not really people: they are actually a race of barely-sentient pairs of breasts and butt cheeks. Each of these tits and asses fits neatly into harem anime clichés so tired that they’ve been run into the core of the planet. They have names, but I won’t bother: in each school, there’s Vanilla Protagonist Boobs, Shrill Woman Child Boobs, Strong and Silent Boobs, Mysterious Psycho Boobs, Energetic Sex Offender Boobs, and everything in between. If you’ve seen any anime released in the last ten or twenty years, you’re probably already familiar with these cut-and-paste stereotypes. The storytelling is mostly made up of the kind of lighthearted stupidity that comes with the territory, but when the game’s multiple storylines delve into serious territory, you can’t help but laugh at the utter audacity of it all.

The game’s story is split between the three schools, each of which has its own narrative and mission structure to accompany it. As you progress through the story, you’ll come across diversions that deal with each of the personal and professional lives of each pair of boobs. And all of these threads inevitably lead into combat scenarios, which have you bouncing around designated arenas, unleashing sheer chaos.

When you're not fighting, you can spend your time at school talking to your vapid boobmates, going into the dressing room to strip your "character" down to the bare essentials so you can leer at them -- or God forbid, make use of the Vita's touch screen to... do other things. Oh, and of course, there's a store where you can deck your boobs out in the latest fashion. Whether that's through paying up front or participating in the Lingerie Lottery... ok, moving on.

As long as you’re familiar with the shinoboobs’ special abilities and know when to use them, Senran Kagura: Shinovi Versus isn’t terribly difficult. Just keep an eye on your health meter and be prepared to transform or go into Frantic Mode at a moment’s notice. Carrying out your shinobi transformation refills your health immediately, a useful mechanic that heavily influences the outcome of each battle.

Each fighting pair of boobs has a special Ninja Art that can be used in combat; these are flashy (haha, flash) scripted, uncontrollable combos that rip a huge chunk out of the opponent boobs' health bar (and a huge swath of her clothes, of course). If you’re not blocking when this is unleashed, you run the risk of getting one-shotted. But I will admit to being thrashed even though I was blocking when my opponent executed their Art.

Dynastitty Warriors. Were I not obligated to go into detail, those seven syllables could serve as an accurate explanation of Senran Kagura: Shinovi Versus. It fancies itself a "Musou" type game, so if you’re really into the Warriors series and could entertain the possibility of getting your jollies watching a bunch of air-headed anime babes slaughtering legions of palette-swapped clones while getting their clothes shredded to pieces, this might be the game for you.

Combat against dummies is one-sided and shallow. They clump up and wait patiently to be slaughtered. All you need to do is hammer on a single button and they’ll all fall. But when you’re going one on one with another pair of boobs, you’ll have to pay more attention and even defend some of the time. The lock-on mechanic doesn’t always play nice with the camera, so you’ll have to play it by boobs and bounce in the direction you suspect your opponent’s boobs to be.

Frantic Mode is the standard hyperactive state that is common to most action animes; every character in these series have some sort of berserk button that sends them into a super-powered rage, no matter how powerful they really are. In Senran Kagura: Shinovi Versus, this mode is triggered at the touch of a button. And then you have to literally use the touch screen to bounce their boobs apart. You know, because science. Their clothes literally explode off of them and their attack power increases several times over, at a massive defensive cost.

I hope I’ve successfully communicated the fact that Senran Kagura: Shinovi Versus’ sexuality doesn’t offend me. Its moronic subject matter is more amusing than anything else, but that amusement comes at the expense of the game. The recently-released Bayonetta 2 is a prime example of how to do it right; as nonsensical as its story is, the main character so completely owns her sexiness that it’s all completely true to character. Playing this game is like breaking into a department store, lining up a bunch of mannequins, decking them out in skimpy lingerie, stuffing their brassieres and underwear with water balloons, and making them smack each other around with deadly weapons. Wait. Never mind. That actually sounds kind of fun.

Senran Kagura: Shinovi Versus is one of those games that tests my integrity as a reviewer. It is a resounding success in every way that it intends to be. And I hate it because of that. I know there’s an audience for this game, and I wholeheartedly recommend this game to them and only them; if you’re in that audience, grease up your neckbeard, buy this game and enjoy it. But please do it alone and in the privacy of your home.