Because I am trying to punish myself for some unknown deed, I picked up Target: Terror for review. Now if you saw these games back in the arcade, you know what you're in for. But if you haven't, be ready for a rough ride back into the early 90's - wait, this game came out in 2004?

I had always assumed when I first saw this arcade game in person that it had been passed from arcade to arcade, from bar to bar, or from bowling alley to bowling alley, before it had arrived wherever it was. I just assumed the game was old, even back in 2004. The only reason I ever remember putting quarters into this machine was because of a dearth of any other type of entertainment in the area. I mean, think about it this way when you look at this game: by the time this arcade game showed up in the wild, the Dreamcast had already come and gone and the Xbox and the Playstation 2 were running strong.

If you haven't guessed yet, looking at this game is going to be painful. It seems like although the big rush for pulling game graphics from live video had ended quite a few years before this game, they boldy pushed the idea out into arcades anyway. The costume budget appears to be all of $15, and everyone looks so silly and sloppy that it's impossible to take the game seriously. Lest this game anger some groups, terrorism is represented as an equal-opportunity business with a not-so-strict dress code, so you'll have a variety of guys in t-shirts, women in black mini-skirts, and even your average trench coat-wearing guy on the side of terror.

Overall the look of the game is outdated, and by no means has it aged well. Enemies have very limited frames of animation, and the detail in everything is limited and boring. This game looked outdated when it came out, there's no reason why it should hold any charm now.

It's hard to notice sound effects when the game is so visually bad, but they're more of the same. Explosions sound like cheap videogame explosions and music is predictably bland and rock n' roll-ish. At least the quality of the sound matches the quality of the graphics here.

Target: Terror is your basic arcade shooter. Terrorists (or bikers, or club dancers, or whatever they appear to be dressed as) are launching a widespread assault across the country. They're hiding everywhere, and they're all armed to the teeth with machine guns, grenades, dynamite, and even deadly axes. This ruthless band has infiltrated every corner of America: its airports, its nuclear power plants, and even San Francisco. As far as plot, that's about all you get. Even the news segment between each level is decidedly uninteresting. This isn't even Idiocracy stupid, it's just plain boring.

A second player can join in to help (for as long as you can get them to stay.) There is also a Justice mode where you can dual wield Wii-motes and shoot 2 guns at once. Mini-games can be unlocked based on reaching some unspecified criteria such as shooting out enough windows. These games aren't any more fun than the actual game, but they are just as ridiculous. In one game, guys throw raw turkeys with dynamite strapped to them. You shoot as many of these terror turkeys as you can in this game. It's just not as funny as it sounds, and just contributes to that overwhelming sadness that the game brings.

Another feature is the medal system, though you're never told what exactly you did to earn them. I kept getting one called "nut-cracker," and think what you will, I honestly don't remember aiming "there" enough to earn it every time. I can say one feature that stands out here is the ability to put 6 characters in for your high score as opposed to the standard 3. Now the dirty words you can spell are nearly limitless!

If you were trying to beat Target: Terror with your hard-earned quarters in the arcade, you'd probably be broke before long. Of course, whether you would walk up to the machine in the first place and decide to put money in is another matter altogether.

This is a tough game on any difficulty level. The problem is that so many enemies come out and instantly start shooting. It's not uncommon for the camera to pan to a new area and then immediately see the "Press A + B to continue" sign flash up because some enemy shot you before you could move a muscle. To make things tougher, you're only given a limited number of credits to beat the game. This increases as you make more tries to beat the game, but once again, it's hard to say whether the average person will want to keep playing this over and over.

There's a lot of humor to be found in Target: Terror, and most of it is just in how bad the game plays. There's more than just the cheese factor at play here. There is actual slow-down when the scenery changes. Character sprites cheaply fade away, frozen in their last frame of death animation. There's even a bit of slow-down when the camera changes (even though it looks like it was all pre-rendered.) The targeting feels clunky and unreliable. Everything feels like it was poorly put together.

There's just nothing redeeming here. You'll probably laugh at the primitive nature of the game, the generic "fight terror with big guns and stuff" theme, and the overall bad presentation of Target: Terror. This is not the shooter the Wii needs to get those Wii Zappers off the shelves. In fact, this isn't the game any console needed. It's frightening to see that this game is being sold at an average game price instead of a bargain price. Just stay away from this, unless for some reason you have a really strong attachment to the arcade experience.