He-Man and the Masters of the Universe
Score: 40% ESRB: Everyone Publisher: TDK Developer: Taniko Media: Cart/1 Players: 1 Genre: Action
Graphics & Sound: At this time I'd like to thank corporate America for repackaging my childhood, screwing it up with some weird new twist and selling it to me at ten times the price my dad paid for a car in the 80's. If it wasn't bad enough that Transformers has now become Poke'mon: Armada, now I have to sit and watch as another childhood memory is dragged through the dirt. Readers, I give you: He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. Graphically, He-Man is just a tad below average. Taniko did a great job at creating an isometric view that is actually easy to see, but other than that and the random stills from the show, there's really not much to the game. He-Man, and for that matter every enemy he faces, are little more than jumbled, blurry messes of color that look like the characters they are supposed to represent. Of course, this wouldn't be that bad if the backgrounds weren't also jumbled blurry messes that slightly resemble real environments. On the plus side, at least the characters feature colors other than brown and brown. Of course, this doesn't seem nearly as bad once you realize that every single person in Eternia can be summed up as a few rotating medals on the labyrinthine paths that make up the entire planet. When it comes to sound, well - you at least get to hear 'By the power of Greyskull' a few times, but every other sound is summed up by a simple thwack sound.
Gameplay: When compared to the game, the plots of the actual shows seem like Dickens novel. The Mystic Wall, which was supposed to be indestructible, has predictably been broken by Skeletor, and He-Man has to stop him. This translates into 13 mind-numbingly dull levels where you have to destroy giant mirrors, rescue everyone in Eternia, and ride around on Battlecat. Let's not forget the destroy-all-enemies and collect all the medal missions that are vital to Eternia's safety. He-Man's adventure is a short, painful trip. Of course, I couldn't decide if it was because of the bad gameplay or the fact that a little piece of my childhood was falling apart with every passing level. For those looking for a gameplay comparison, He-Man plays very similar to Gauntlet, albeit a very, very slow version of Gauntlet. You'll spend a good 80 percent of gameplay walking around whacking endless hordes of carbon-copy bad guys while searching for the mirror - oops, I mean portal they are entering Eternia through. Along the way, He-Man will run into various traps that have the ominous effect of making him not be able to do a certain action. Fire weakens He-Man so he can't swing his sword, poison keeps him from running, and lightning does the double whammy of not allowing him to run or jump. The other 20 percent of the game is spent in boring, railed shooter levels atop Battlecat. I'll admit, I'm really not up on the new cartoon, but since when does Battlecat have two giant cannons on his back? Battlecat was He-Man's sports car, not his assault tank. If he needed to get across Eternia fast, he'd use Battlecat (or in some cases, the Talon Fighter), if he needed firepower - he'd use the Attack-track! I don't mean to sound picky, but when the game is shallow as this one, your mind tends to wander.
Difficulty: When you walk around calling yourself 'The Most Powerful Man in the Universe', it should be expected that you can back those words up, something He-Man can't do. Every enemy, no matter how small they are, takes a few swings to kill, reducing the game into a simple hackfest. It only gets worse when you realize that the 'portals' regenerate hit points at such a high rate that attacking them is pointless. You can hack away at a portal for a good minute or so, turn your attention towards a skeleton who is slowly draining your health, and by the time you start attacking the portal again, its gained all its hit points back. The platform elements are just as unfair. When walking, some magical force keeps He-Man from falling off cliff edges. Yet, when he jumps from one platform to another, if his entire body doesn't land on the platform he's dead.
Game Mechanics: He-Man's combat skills are very limited, which says a lot for the effectiveness of Man-at-Arms training. But, when you think about it, when you're as strong as He-Man, there is little need for finesse. Tapping the action button performs his simple swing move, while holding it down unleashes a powerful Super Slash. This translates into a very shallow experience and tends to get old. Pressing the shoulder button allows He-Man to block attacks, but the timing is so off that blocking attacks is more of a chance game than a skill. Most of the other control problems, such as the platform jumping issue, have already been outlined and aren't worth repeating. Even if you are the most hardcore of He-Man fans and have been demanding a Masters of the Universe game, you're better off picking the barbarian in Golden Axe and pretending you're He-Man. At least you'll have more fun. From top to bottom, He-Man is just a bad game.
-Starscream, GameVortex Communications AKA Ricky Tucker
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